HodgePodge

Cue a top 10 list.

Like it or not there are far too many to include, so I’ll just cherry pick the most irritating.

And on that note I’ll start with the collectively disagreeable crew that is the cast of Geordie Shore.

Revolting doesn’t come close to describing this unsavoury bunch, yet MTV (the channel which broadcasts their nasty antics) saw fit to subject us to nine series of their repellent drivel and turned them in to household names – if your household deems uneducated nonentities squealing and spitting on each other, entertainment, that is.

Katie Hopkins is up next (well since we’re on the subject of repellent drivel). Here is a woman who has spent the last decade on a fame-finding crusade. Yet despite an accomplished educational and employment background, all she is famous for is being verbally repulsive.

Even with her current status as (arguably) the ‘most hated woman in Britain’, there are worse candidates than her.

Imogen Thomas, for instance. Another long-time fame seeker who counts an appearance on Big Brother, topless modelling, Miss Wales, an infamous affair with a married footballer and relationships with three others on her ‘celebrity’ CV. Her current job title, as with most of these real-life underachievers, is ‘television personality’, which, in the case of Miss Thomas is ironic given that while she may appear on the former, seems acutely lacking in the latter.

Sadly, there are countless like her. But perhaps more annoying are those whose connection to an actual famous person gains them a free ticket to a pointless celebrity existence.

A perfect example of this would be queen WAG Coleen Rooney. A footballer’s other half who ditched her school bag for a Louis Vuitton virtually overnight because her boyfriend (note NOT she) possessed an exceptional talent in his field.

Still you hear people argue that the former Miss McLaughlin has ‘done good’ with ‘what she’s got’ and now boasts her own fashion line, fitness DVD (don’t they all?), magazine column and autobiography (at the ludicrous age of 21!). Nice.

Although, probably worth remembering that thanks to her husband’s fancy footwork, ‘all she’s got’ is upwards of £13million a year.

Next up is another fame-seeker of the same ilk (and coincidentally leeching off someone in the same field).

Calum Best; One of the longer-term limelight thieves, this time poaching from the delights of his own father’s impressive career.

Trouble is, unlike ‘Britain’s favourite girl next door’ Coleen, poor Calum has, thus far, failed to put himself to any real use or carve out a pretend career. Instead he’s jumped from one nightclub to another, stopping off for brief appearances on the conveyer belt of reality TV along the way (presumably to pay for his perma-tan)? A failure which must sting all the more, given the irony of his surname.

Inexplicably our next fame-monger, Rylan Clark, has, despite being the most irritating man on television, managed to get his tangerine, faux-face on almost every show on the box. His talent? Oh he sings really, really badly. But he’s as camp as Christmas, ergo, automatically hilarious.

Moving on then to another X Factor reject, this time in the form of 2014’s Jake Quickenden. A man who, against the wishes of every eardrum in the land made it to the live finals. Then, in what has to be a record, appeared on another popularity contest, this time ‘I’m A Celebrity...’ two weeks later and once again, failed to win, proving not only can he not sing, but he has no discernible personality either.

On now to the odious, and particularly unpopular, Perez Hilton, currently appearing in Celebrity Big Brother.

Now, this is a man who has made millions off bringing down the rich and famous, only to join them (almost) in their ranks and himself become the butt of media jokes and scrutiny. A situation so smacked full of ironies, all of which are probably lost on him, so lost is he in his own ego.

It had all started so well for the former Mario Lavandeira Jr. when he adopted his pseudonym (a witty take on Paris Hilton. Oh how we laughed) and saw it as his personal mission to poke fun at/take down the celebrities we all love to hate.

Only somewhere along the way Mario Jr. vanished and Perez triumphed, apparently forever. Dr Jekyll, meet Mr Hyde.

Unlike our previous incumbents, our next fame peddler is the deplorable ‘White Dee’ - a woman whose journey to ‘stardom’ is so ludicrous, so undignified and so utterly immoral that it’s actually infuriating.

She ‘first shot to fame’ after ‘starring’ in the to series ‘Benefits Street’ - a show about people who claim benefits and show no interest in getting a job. For reasons unknown to anyone with a brain (or a job) Deirdre ‘White Dee’ Kelly became an overnight ‘star’ and quickly bagged herself a spot on, yup, you guessed it, Celebrity Big Brother (which is essentially Benefits Street for people who were on the tele once).

Finally we have the inexplicably ever-popular Kim Kardashian.

Unwavering in her desperation to be the most ‘famous for nothing’ person on the globe, last year she tried to ‘break the internet’ with her giant derrière, but all she’s actually done is break down the would-be aspirations of millions of teenager girls who, rather than aspiring to be doctors, lawyers, authors, musicians or any other noble or interesting career, would rather pout, post selfies, and pray for a free shot at fame.

Depressing.