GOOD morning everyone, and thank you for coming to hear my resignation speech. It’s with a combination of great sadness and tremendous excitement that I have today handed in my resignation from a party that no longer reflects my values.
These values are very close to my heart. They are also close to my ears, which I am constantly using for listening, and my arms, which I will shortly be using for gesticulating.
When I asked my new colleagues in The Independent Group for advice about this speech, they all agreed – so refreshing! – that the most important thing was to keep it positive. So let me tell you why I am here. I am absolutely positive that British politics is in complete chaos. I would not be standing here today, on a platform of feel-good values, if things were not positively grim.
The absolute worst.
Because everything is so utterly awful, these are exciting times for politicians who believe in definitely-not-nebulous values and in new groupings. We are determined to remain not only in the EU but also in the centre, so that we can become a major force in UK politics for days, even weeks to come.
READ MORE: Labour split sees calls for Scottish independence grow
I hear you ask, what does that mean, “the centre”, in the current political context? Let me tell you. What it means is that we, the group of 11/13/?? (NB edit as required), are absolutely committed to remaining in the centre of attention.
No more working behind the scenes to gain support for boring old cross-party amendments before the next meaningful vote. We are cross with the parties, and we want to see them burn. BURN! find a way forward for the UK that protects it from the chaos of a no-deal Brexit or, better still, avoids Brexit altogether.
We will strive to keep the spotlight focussed on our smiling faces and linked arms. We will seize photo opportunities and grab headlines. We will give interviews and talk in abstract, even poetic terms about our shared values, and going forward we will do this in ways that cause no offence whatsoever to people who look, sound or smell funny.
You might be wondering how our group has managed to unite around shared values beyond one single issue, however vague, given our past voting records on key issues such as taxation, benefit levels, human rights and electoral reform. Let me explain.
The Independent Group believes in grown-up, forward-looking politics. We believe in keeping things simple and not getting bogged down in the past – except, of course, when we are criticising our former parties. A catalogue of their past mis-steps will be highlighted at every available opportunity.
Once we have welcomed enough noble, principled defectors into our ranks we will start our new centrist party with a clean slate. We will view each policy area with fresh eyes and thinking brains. We will consider the evidence and the arguments on both sides before forming independent views.
Then we will come together to craft a manifesto of catch-all sound bites that you, the well-meaning but exhausted voter, will have the freedom to interpret as you please.
READ MORE: The parallels between The Independent Group and the Gang of Four
Take proportional representation, for example. Rather than being bound by old, outdated, tribal ways of thinking about the electoral system, our group will take a grown-up, values-based look at whether we might support reforms that would help us to gain power while also sticking a pair of Vs up to our former colleagues address the UK’s unacceptable democratic deficit.
When it comes to other areas, such as the economy, public services and the environment, we have expressed our positions on our website in a clear, sans serif font.
If you are pressed for time, just read the words in bold. You’ll be inspired. You’ll be moved. You’ll be proud to be part of a country in which a completely broken politics can be mended thanks to the bravery of a small band of politicians with big dreams. The kind of dreams from which you wake up with strong emotions but only a blurry memory of the details, except the bit where you were running late and somehow naked and trying to scream but unable to make a sound.
If you want to play your own part in making our dreams come true, you might wish to select your own favourite phrases from our statement of values and drop them into conversation with friends, or even enemies. For example, in response to “how was work today?” you might reply that “well-regulated private enterprise can reward aspiration and drive economic progress”.
When asked what options you’d like to see on the ballot for a second EU referendum, just say “the multilateral, international rules-based order must be strengthened and reformed.”
Voting for us will allow you to shut down any awkward dinner-party conversations about tedious left-right politics. Any enquiries about your allegiances can be nipped in the bud with “I’m a centrist” or “I agree with TIG”.
You might not be entirely clear what we stand for, but the main thing to focus on is what we’re against. We’re against party squabbles, we’re against weak and wobbly leadership, and we’re against some of the things we voted for in the past. Onwards, to the future! Out with the old, in with the new!
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Callum Baird, Editor of The National
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