It’s bad enough that your tiny, most pointless toe (whose sole purpose seems to be to inflict nauseating pain every time you misjudge a step) is throbbing so hard you feel dizzy, but the fact that it’s all down to your own idiocy is just down right exasperating.

So, imagine my delight when, on the very last day of 2014, I sat down to enjoy a cup of tea and managed to flip my phone off the arm of the sofa, watch it do a somersault in the air before nose-diving right into my brew.

Phone goes for a swim, malfunctions and scalds me in the process. Goodbye 2014, can’t say I’m sorry.

So, Armageddon mode set in and I sprung into Operation iSalvage. I followed the online advice dished out when phone meets liquid and immediately immersed it in a bowl of rice where it would sit for two days (stretching over two years, technically).

In the 48 hours my phone basked in a bed of carbs, I set about drawing up a contingency plan for the dreaded ‘what if’.

I checked insurance cover, warranty, etc and eventually (after drawing some very frustrating blanks), I checked some local ‘Buy, Sell and Trade’ pages on Facebook, on the off-chance someone might be punting one.

And then the real fun began.

If you haven’t been on one of these pages, you absolutely must. The things people are buying, selling and trading is a source of endless comedy.

You can probably guess what you can expect to find.

The run-of-the-mill peddler of the sofa, old mobile phone, dining table, etc are common place, but there’s a different breed of dealer too. And they come in all guises.

First up, The Appealers: these are the people who haven’t quite grasped the idea of buy/sell/trade and instead use the opportunity to beg for ‘support’ (read money) for their latest charitable adventure. If this is you, please note; this is a second hand selling page, not your personal PR machine. Stop it.

Next we have The Hardballers.

Those cantankerous dealers who absolutely refuse to budge on price. The result is often a strongly worded wrangle. Over a pound.

This type often come up against The Careerists.

Those traders whose addiction to making a ‘free buck’ has led them down a dark path of punting everything they own online. That includes old clothes, broken toys, medication and dogs.

Which brings us nicely on to the next category of seller, The Complainer.

These are the people who visit these pages, not to sell anything, but rather to supervise what others are doing. These auditors are ever-omniscient and always annoying.

Their threats of ‘reporting to admin’ do little to transform their popularity and only go further to prove what irritable little cretins they truly are.

The cretinous contingent also prevail with our next mob which I’ve labelled The Job Hunters.

Whilst they might be well meaning in their quest for employment, pleading with the masses to let them look after their dog, cat, or in some cases child (yes, really!) just ain’t kosher. Stop it. Now. The police are (probably) watching.

And finally, the ‘piece de resistance’ of internet poster (applicable to both trading websites and any social media) is the Public Avenger.

This is those scorned men and women who, despite it being a whole world of inappropriate, feel it necessary to ‘name and shame’ those who have wronged them. Whether it be in the world of second hand trading - you know the drill “Bought a laptop off - this person - but when I took it out the carrier bag when I got home the screen wasn’t responding, it wouldn’t switch on and I realised it was actually a book. Tried to message her but her profile disappeared.” Or there’s those relationship dramas we all read, cringe, then incessantly check back for updates. “For those of you who don’t already know, my husband of 12 years has been cheating with a woman from the butchers. I don’t care who knows. I have nothing to hide. I’m better off without him.” Well, perhaps. But actually you would have been better keeping a dignified silence.

And on that note, I’m off.