I’ve just returned from a week’s break in Mallorca with the family. Six adults, five children, three cars and one villa = much fun in the sun.

You can’t beat relaxation, food, wine and making memories with your nearest and dearest.

But the trauma of travel almost makes it not worth the while.

Travel by aeroplane is like no other and attracts a special kind of idiot. That’s not to say they’re always or usually an idiot in their life outside of an airport. But as soon as they reach that check-in queue, they morph into some kind of inexplicable - and intolerable - freakshow.

These people come in all shapes and sizes so if you’re travelling anywhere in the near future, this is your HodgePodge guide on people to avoid.

First up, people who - despite having previously been issued with details of baggage allowance, wait until they’re at the check-in desk and there are 200-plus people behind them waiting to ditch their own cases - before they have their bags weighed.

“Oh, is 34 kilos too much? How much am I allowed?” “20 kilos” Then the unpacking at the foot of the check-in desk, begins. Socks, shoes, shorts and swimsuits fly out of one bag and into another of the seven pieces of their hideous matching luggage in order to save a kilo here and there.

Sweating and swearing they protest that the airline’s rules are out of touch with the modern traveller and vow they will never fly with them again (at least until next summer).

Then there’s people who stand still on the travellator. Seriously, walk. WALK! It’s there to speed up the plane-catching process so why in God’s name would you stand still? And it’s not just that them being an immovable ignoramus is totally counter-productive to their own journey. They’re usually blocking the way - taking in the sights and sounds of the exciting airport walls at 1mph - so they’re invariably hindering yours too.

And besides that, everyone knows that walking on the travellator makes you feel like you possess Superhero walking speed. So why wouldn’t you?

Up next, people who queue at the boarding gate. These super-keen chumps are the on every single flight that’s ever been. They charge up to the boarding gate and stand - despite there being umpteen other seats - before boarding has even been announced. The purpose? Oh, so they’re first on the plane. Where they will then have to sit in a pre-booked, 16 inch seat and wait until everyone else gets on. Why?

Then there’s people who, as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off, pop up like a Jack-in-the-box and start hauling their bags down into their seats while they stand blocking the aisle, infuriatingly ensuring that no one else can access their luggage or - God forbid - exit the plane before them.

More annoying travellers and up there amongst the worst, are those people who stand like they’re attached to the baggage carousel. Like those irritating kids at school who built a fortress with one arm and a head around their jotter so you couldn’t see their answers, even thought you weren’t even looking.

They loom over all the bags, looking cagey and panicking that theirs might be the last one out (oh, the shame). With body language alone these imbeciles have silently declared themselves protector of suitcases and in this passive-aggressive tone, telling you and all other travellers that their bag-retrieval is infinitely more important than your own.

Then, despite having hogged prime position, they manage to miss their luggage rolling by and rather than wait for it to roll around again, spring into a sprint around to the opposite side to catch it before it disappears.

Aside from the usual people with unruly kids, people with bad personal hygiene and people who hog the toilet, the flight -if you’re lucky - itself tends to be pretty uneventful.

It’s when the plane lands that the absolute worst of all people to avoid show themselves - the Landing Clappers.

We’ve all experienced them. Perhaps you’ve even been them (hang your head in shame).

Yes - the people who clap when the plane lands. Why is this a thing? It’s happened on almost every flight I’ve ever been on and it still gives me irrational rage. Congratulations on being a pilot. You took the plane up and you brought it back down. Yes people, that’s what they do! You don’t clap a bus driver when he gets to the next stop. You don’t clap a taxi driver when he arrives at the address you requested. Why not? Because that would be ridiculous. I rest my case.