WHAT do you get if you mix eight girls, a hen weekend, 56 bottles of beer, two litres of vodka, a bottle of Malibu, eight bottles of wine and umpteen cans of cider?

A hell of a hangover, that’s what.

I’ve just returned from a weekend in Auchrannie with seven of my lovely chums as we celebrated our pal, Rosie’s impending nuptials.

In typical hen night style it was raucous and at times, unsavoury but always hilarious.

So much fun was had at times I actually found my face was hurting from laughing. Particularly when we dressed as farmers (she’s marrying a farmer) and forced the bride-to-be to dress like a hen. An actual hen. As in a very large chicken. Oh how we laughed. Rosie, not so much.

But the most pain came on Sunday when two days of booze and belly laughs finally caught up with us and we were all utterly destroyed.

I discovered then that there are five main types of hangover.

I’ll start with the most obvious (and arguably the worst), The Stomach Churner. That one where you wake up feeling like your tummy is a washing machine in full spin. No matter what you eat or drink, it’s not staying in there long enough to even absorb a calorie before it’s coming back up to remind you why those 18 bottles of beer were probably not your wisest move.

The Head Stomper. Also high up in the worst-pain-ever stakes. By far and away one of the most terrible hangovers to befall you. That intense, excruciating and constant headache that makes you want to blow your own brains out.

Red wine is usually the culprit. It’s all very civilised at the time. Then you wake up and realise your noggin has morphed into a concrete block and you’re unable to lift it off the pillow. When you do finally manage to sit up you feel like you’ve got The Bends.

The Workout. This is the morning after feeling of extreme muscle pain. You think you’ve been on a night out but your body is telling you that you’ve been to a double Insanity class. This is apparently down to inflammation caused by the effects of alcohol or maybe by some mystery injuries you may have inflicted on yourself. But am I the only person who convinces themselves that it’s down to the remarkable moves I must have been busting on the dance floor last night?

The Hangover Hates. The psychological side-effect of the big bad booze and usually occurs when your memory of the evening before is sketchy.

Did I offend anyone (probably), did I make a fool of myself (definitely), did I fall (surely), was I mess? (Yes!).

The fear consumes you and all you want to do is lie in a darkened room until enough time has passed that the rest of the world has forgotten about your antics (and with a bit of luck, that you even exist).

The Amnesiac. You know you’ve been partying last night. You know it involved beer. You know you were drinking it.

But you only know because your friends have told you. You’re experiencing total blackout.

This hangover is usually accompanied by the aforementioned hates, fear or dreads on account of you have no idea what you’ve been up to.

Unfortunately that can be the lesser of two evils.

Sometimes having full recollection of what happened the night before is actually worse.

Especially when there’s photographs to prove it.

Just ask Rosie.