MY youngest son is going through the terrible twos. I know this for a fact because he’s two and, my God, at times he’s terrible.

He has a face that could melt stoniest of hearts - and a temper that could raise the dead.

His second birthday was just last weekend, but he hasn’t just turned two - he’s turned deranged.

I know that with children, tantrums are par for the course. It’s the very nature of the little beasts.

The definition of ‘Terrible Twos’ (according to the internet) is “a period in a child’s social development - typically around the age of two years - which is associated with very defiant or unruly behaviour.” Translation (according to me) ‘the point where your beautiful and charming child periodically morphs into the lovechild of Bielzibub and the Tasmanian Devil and wants you, his parent, to suffer.” When they happen at home, it’s bad, but bearable. But when they happen in public, like, say a supermarket (the scene of many a tantrum-based crime) or a restaurant, you instantly wish the ground would swallow you (or preferably them) whole.

I experienced such a stramash when I took him for lunch recently and he chose macaroni cheese, but when said macaroni cheese was placed in front of him immediately broke down in tears and screamed something about ‘needing pizza’.

God, give me strength. (Or at least vodka!) The so-called-experts tell us to keep cool, remain calm and take them to a ‘quiet place’.

According to you should: “Start by removing your toddler from the situation by picking him up and taking him to a quiet place such as the car or the bathroom. Hug him until the tantrum stops and provide guidance as you would at home.

Do not give in to your child’s demands.” Firstly, this place was quiet until he went bananas.

Secondly, if I hug him there’s a good chance I’m losing an eye.

Provide guidance? I’d love to but his deafening shrieks have burst every eardrum in the place - including his own so the chances of him hearing my ‘guidance’, let alone taking it on board, is nil.

A short - but tense standoff ensued and, while I’m not claiming a complete victory, I do take solace in the fact that he didn’t get pizza and made do with his macaroni.

But he wasn’t done. A short stroll along the harbourside to our local ice cream shop produced unprovoked tantrum number 365 of that day.

The catalyst? Getting the flavour of ice cream he asked for. He chose chocolate and to his abject horror, he was given chocolate. Obviously this distressing turn of events was my fault. I should have known that when he chose chocolate, what he actually meant was raspberry ripple - or “the pink one”.

An explosion of furious screaming commenced. His face went a livid shade of purple and he reached a crescendo - just as I reached my limit and evicted him.

Despite his protests he was ushered out the shop - icecreamless - by an exasperated me.

There seems to be very little - or most of the time no - rhyme or reason to his extreme mood swings.

According to experts: “Temper tantrums often take place when your child is hungry, tired, bored, or feeling overwhelmed,” or in Sonny’s case, when he’s awake,breathing, moving, sitting, standing, eating , drinking, busy, calm or happy.

Always a pleasure.